


Double Feature

by thefishismine



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Family, Not Canon Compliant, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-12
Updated: 2016-07-12
Packaged: 2018-07-23 13:14:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7464696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefishismine/pseuds/thefishismine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In this universe, Rimmer and Lister are raising Jim and Bexley as their own sons. One afternoon they decide to watch The Wizard of Oz together as a family. It's mainly a series of conversations that the four-year-olds have with their fathers during the movie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Double Feature

**Author's Note:**

> This idea wouldn't leave me alone so I had to write about it. I don't own The Wizard of Oz or Red Dwarf.

“Are you all ready for a movie?” Lister asked, juggling two buckets of popcorn. 

The young twins yelled out enthusiastically as they entered the theater. 

“Remember, boys, we’re in a cinema. Use your inside voices.”

“Aw, come off it, Rimmer. There’s no one else here.” 

“Yeah, Papa, come off it,” Jim said as he plopped down in a front row seat.

Lister’s laugh was cut short by a stern look from his partner. “Jim, be nice, now.”

Bexley sat down next to his brother, while Rimmer and Lister took a seat on either side of them. Lister passed one bucket of popcorn over to Rimmer, giving the other bucket to Jim. Bexley dug his hand into the popcorn on Jim’s lap, causing some of it to spill onto the floor. 

“Hey! Get your own, this one’s mine!” Jim slapped his brother’s hand away. Bexley immediately began crying. 

“I hope we’re not gonna have to separate you two!”

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Rimmer asked Lister, handing his bucket of popcorn to Bexley. The boy wiped his nose and scooped up a handful of popcorn.

“Yeah, why not? They’ll settle down once the movie starts.” 

A Mugs Murphy cartoon began playing on the screen. “Isn’t this a little too violent for them?” asked Rimmer. 

“Nah, I used to watch this when I was their age.” Lister shoveled a handful of popcorn into his mouth. Half of it wound up on his shirt. 

Mugs took out a hand gun from inside his jacket and began shooting the cartoon bank robbers in quite an elaborate chase scene. Jim jumped out of his seat and formed his hands in the shape of a gun. He pretended to shoot the villains when they appeared on-screen.

“Bang! Bang! Look, daddy, I think I got one!” 

“Nice one!”

Jim beamed with pride as Mugs threw the bank robbers in jail. The credits began to roll and Jim sat back down in his chair. “I want to be Mugs Murphy when I grow up.”

“He’s a cartoon character, Jim. He isn’t real,” said Rimmer with a hint of annoyance.

Lister glared at him and leaned down to whisper in the boy’s ear. “Your papa’s just jealous that a crime-fighting gorilla is cooler than him.” Jim giggled.

“What?”

“Nothing, babe.” Lister gave him an innocent smile as the feature presentation began. The movie of choice was The Wizard of Oz. Rimmer and Lister both had fond memories of it growing up and they wanted to pass those memories onto their sons. That, and it was the only family-friendly movie they could agree on watching together. 

 

“Papa, why is the picture brown? Is it broken?” Bexley asked. 

“No, it’s just the way the movie was made. It’s very old.” Bexley was quite inquisitive. Four year olds typically ask hundreds of questions in a day but he seemed to ask twice as many as that. 

During “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”, Jim kicked his legs and picked at a piece of cloth on the armrest. “This is boring.”

“It’ll get better, don’t worry,” reassured Lister. 

 

 

“What’s a tornado?” asked Bexley.

“It’s like a giant windstorm,” said Lister. 

“Daddy, my popcorn is gone,” Jim whined. He turned his bucket upside down and popcorn kernels fell to the floor.

“Well you shouldn’t have eaten it all at once,” Rimmer scolded gently.

“Actually I had quite a bit too,” said Lister. 

“Can I have some more?” 

“Jim this is the good part. We’re gonna see Oz,” Lister said, a little impatiently. 

“Papa, I’m thirsty.” 

Lister and Rimmer glanced at each other with defeat. 

“Alright, let’s take a break.” 

 

 

“Why are they so little?” asked Bexley when the Munchkins appeared.

Rimmer sighed. “Because…because they just are.”

“They must be kids. They’re as tall as us,” said Jim. 

“Everything’s little…even the horse is little!” exclaimed Bexley.

“Yeah, it’s a little village. Pretty cool, huh?” 

“Daddy, can we go there?” asked Jim. 

“Maybe someday…” 

 

 

Out of nowhere, the Wicked Witch appeared, catching the boys off guard. Bexley whimpered and climbed over the armrest into Rimmer’s lap. Rimmer put his arms around him.

“It’s alright, it’s not real,” he said softly, reaching a hand up to stroke his hair.

“Daddy, why don’t they just shoot her?”

“Eh?” Jim never stopped surprising Lister with what came out of his mouth. 

“Like Mugs Murphy. She’s a bad guy.”

“I told you not to let him watch that cartoon,” mumbled Rimmer.

“Because they don’t have guns in Oz. It’s a nice place.”

“Well they should. Then they could put her in jail.” 

Lister looked over at Rimmer. “Have they even got a jail in Oz?”

“How should I know?”

 

 

“I don’t think the Scarecrow is missing brains,” said Jim thoughtfully.

“Why’s that?” asked Rimmer.

“Because he wouldn’t be talking and dancing if he didn’t have brains.”

“Yeah but this is a magic scarecrow,” said Lister. “Oz is a magical place.”

“He don’t seem that magical,” mumbled Jim. 

“Yeah, where’re his powers?” asked Bexley.

“You don’t need powers to be magical. Besides, he’s got…the power of song.”

“Daddy, that’s not a real power,” Bexley laughed.

“Well that’s why he’s going to see the wizard,” explained Rimmer. “He wants a brain.”

“But he’s already got one! This movie’s stupid,” said Jim, slumping down in his chair. Lister sighed. 

 

 

“The Tin Man looks like Kryten!” Jim exclaimed. 

“Yeah, he kind of does,” said Lister with a chuckle. 

“Daddy, does Kryten ever dance like that?” asked Bexley.

“Only when he’s trying to reach a cobweb on the ceiling.”

 

 

Bexley nervously squeezed Rimmer’s arm when the Cowardly Lion jumped out from behind the trees. 

“It’s alright, he’s a nice guy,” Rimmer whispered. Bexley leaned back and rested his head on Rimmer’s chest. 

“Hey Papa, the lion’s scared of everything just like you!” said Jim. 

Lister laughed, earning a scowl from Rimmer. 

 

 

The Wizard greeted the characters on the screen with a bellowing voice and a flash of green smoke. Bexley whimpered and buried his face in Rimmer’s chest. Rimmer rubbed the boy’s back soothingly. 

“So they’ve gotta kill the witch?” asked Jim, intently watching the screen.

“Yeah, they have to bring back her broomstick,” answered Lister.

“So they do have guns.” Jim looked at Lister curiously.

“No they don’t…”

“How else are they gonna kill her?”

“You’ll have to watch to find out.”

 

 

“Papa, there are no such things as flying monkeys, right?” Bexley asked in a small voice.

“Of course not.”

“I wish there were,” said Jim. “They look pretty cool.”

 

 

“Dorothy’s gonna get out in time, right, Daddy?” Jim looked at Lister who was too broken up to speak. This scene always got him. There was just something about a young frightened girl trapped in a tower, crying out for her aunt that Lister found unbearably sad. Jim climbed into his lap in an attempt to comfort him. 

“Don’t worry, I bet it has a happy ending,” he said, patting his father’s hand. Lister kissed the boy on the head and wiped his nose on his own shirt. 

 

 

“How come the water melted the witch?” asked Bexley.

“I don’t know,” said Lister. 

“I’m glad that doesn’t happen in real life. Nobody would take a bath because they’d die.” 

“Yeah, they’d just go down the drain,” added Jim. “That would be disgusting.”

Rimmer wrinkled his nose at the image the boys conjured up. 

 

 

“So the wizard was a fake?” asked Jim.

“Yes,” said Rimmer.

“That’s stupid…”

“But look, he still gave them what they came for. The Scarecrow got a brain, the Tin Man got a heart…”

“Yeah, but Dorothy didn’t get anything. I’d be mad if I was her,” said Bexley.

“She got a lesson.” said Rimmer.

“Yuck, who wants that?” said Bexley with disgust. 

 

 

“See, boys, Dorothy got to go home. That’s what she wanted,” said Lister.

“Yeah, it’s a happy ending,” said Rimmer, relieved that the movie was finally coming to a close. Bexley was still leaning on his chest, gently sucking his thumb. 

“She had magic shoes all along. They had super powers, daddy,” said Jim. He was only paying partial attention to the screen. He was focusing on picking a piece of gum out from under one of the armrests, most likely left there by Lister ages ago. 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” 

 

 

During the final scene on the farm, Jim left his chair and began crawling around on the floor, picking up pieces of stray popcorn and popping them into his mouth. 

“Oi, Jim, don’t do that,” said Lister, slightly amused by his son’s antics. 

“It’s the 10-second rule!” 

Lister grabbed Jim around the waist and hoisted him back onto his lap.

“The 10-second rule doesn’t apply after an hour.”

“Is it over yet?” asked Bexley, wriggling out of Rimmer’s arms. Jim jumped down from Lister’s lap and ran out of the theater as the end credits began to roll. Bexley followed after him.

“I guess that answers that question,” said Rimmer, a little exasperated. 

“Do you think they enjoyed it?” asked Lister as they headed towards the exit.

“They certainly sat still longer than I expected them to.”

Lister grabbed Rimmer’s hand. They could hear the playful shouts of the twins echoing down the corridor. 

“Did you enjoy it?” 

“Well…I didn’t have a horrible time…” said Rimmer, a small smile playing on his lips.

“Smeghead.”


End file.
